Hope

I dislike hope just like I dislike all theories in my engineering studies.
I think whomever design the idea of hope, is living in hopeless world, thus he/she needs hope to continue survivability.

Hope : bullshit in a way better description.

You gave me bullshit, fuck you.

You let me high in the sky, fuck you.

You let me see through the door of my realself, fuck you.

You close the gap between us yet you cut the rope in between us, fuck you.

Fuck you, arse hole.

Fuck you, hope.

Happiness is a journey

Happiness is a journey.

That is why people waste their money and time to retrieve happiness.

Saving the money is a journey. Easy money. Hard money. You decide.

Time consumed is expensive price, only at the end of the day. We lavishly spend on happiness.

Happiness retrieval is a journey.

If it is not a journey. It is a sadness. Because time wasted. Money wasted. Not for happiness, not for yourself.

I pity you, time waster, happiness waster.

You waste the journey of the life.

Why queue up?

So I heard, that Big Bang tix sold out. People queue up to buy the ticket. Why?

Queue up is just a time waster, but because of manners, we are doing it.

All good manners are time waster.

Yet people still implying it.

It is not a matter of time rushing, it is how you value the time.

Malaysian, they cut the queue, they come late at any appointment, they dont clean the table after using it.

We not been taught how to value the time, the value of other's that values the time.

We were taught, yet not enough.

Freaking hard

I knew the fact is we ve been knowing each other for only 4 months. And maybe that number is not enough to figure out what really happened.
All came so sudden, with a little turbulence here and there.
With my heart still undefined for new or for re-bounce.
Sigh
And looking at my attempts, I knew the fact, the reality is. We are nothing just friend.
Reality hits me so hard but at least it is true.
Maybe my nature as hunter is belittled and I cant find you in the middle of people's swarm.
As you always run and run. And far away.
Drifting apart, yes it is the word.
Relationship sucks. This is sucks.
Fuck.

Truth Is

Truth is. Us is just infatuation. Maybe this took more than it should be. But the way you responded for my actions were out of my perception. You were behaving like you want to keep me for a life, but with your jovialness with people surround you, I think that phrase will look the same. Am I right?

Truth is, you were there. You were there just at right moment I need someone to hang out, to tell some stories. So this prolong relationship is like a token of appreciation. Sentimental value that both of us should keep.

Truth is, I treasured you and I am more than glad to keep it. :)

Permintaan tak seberapa

Pinta ku agar tak mencintai mu berlebihan

Pinta ku agar kau terima aku seadanya

Pinta ku agak aku mampu terima mu seadanya

Pinta ku agar kita berdua tua bersama

Pinta ku agar kita berdua membuat khilaf bersama

Pinta ku agar kita berdua bersama sama menuju Tuhan yang Esa

Pinta ku agar kau sabar
Dengan kerenah. Dengan diri ku. Dengan otak katik ku.

Pinta ku agar aku mampu bersabar. Dengan caramu. Terima segala keputusan kamu. Terima segala nasihat mu.

Pinta ku. Hanya wudhuk terbatal tak kala jari mu menyentuh jari ku. Bibir mu mengucup dahi ku.

Pinta ku sekali. Aku mampu mencintai mu seadanya yang aku mampu berikan.

Give me a good reason, now.

I had this huge crush on you. Everybody knows about it.
My head can accept fact that you have your special someone. But my heart just cannot. This is hearthache.
I think I was late. I dont know for how many months, or days. Or minutes.
If we are bestfriend, you surely will not contact me after you told me that you have girlfriend, it is always a hint from a guy that you and me need a line. That we should not cross.
I perfectly understood that understatement. You on the other hand, seems not getting it.

I contact you for the sake of our friendship and I seriously dont want to let it slip. So that is my reason now. An you?
Why you seems so good to me. After all the months, we were near. Now after aparting, you felt the emptiness ir what?
And why you always and always notice my sadness for every hint I gave?
Sigh.
Tell me the reason now. Leave her. Please. I hold the guilty part. I will be the blavk sheep. I dont a damn about others. If that what I should face to entirely have you.

I have this crush on you. Entirely.

I develop strange feeling

They said "if you are still in crush-mode even after 4 months, that is what call as Love" (I prefer Love to be in capital letter because the feeling is strong yet undescribeable)

4 months? I knew her late December and we met on mid January, do the calculation, this mid April will be a confirmation date for me.

Her, yes. Develop a strange feeling over same gender is non-harm action, so I dont know why our community is so fuse about LGTB issue. Ignorance.

Her, first ever reason I quite attach with her is, "I am lonely as fuck here" and she is there to say "Yes" for every my "Jom". No, we are not those kind what you might expect holding hand and kissing and do wild things on bed. Every our night out, sharing. I shared my experiences and memories. So does she. Sometimes we discuss over stupid matter and even can hook up to serious matter like politic and how KL can be changed in a matter of infrasturcture. And she is wild noctunal kind that can hold her sleep until 6 am in the morning.

Frankly. Honestly. I followed her back in Twitter because when I opened her avatar. I developed this strange feeling over her smile. "if you think smilling is harrassing, I will harrass you alot". Dear girl, for the first time I ve meet someone with addictive smile ever. Not the sexy kinda, but the honest and naive smile. The curve is so fitted on the face. Until this time being, I am effing glad I hit the follow button back. :)

Hit the follow button, you will never know what you might face. As for me. I face beautiful charming fit smile ever.


Dont be scared, I know how this relationship will end up. Coz Right just we hit 4th month together, silent killer feeling will be developed. Boredness. As usual Aqilah Suhaimi will role.

The giver, the taker

Dynamic relationship; defined by my dear wise friend, one person know what to give and what to take everytime they are together or not.
You have to be in both position, giver and taker.

Analogi and explaination;
Why sometimes shitty relationship seen by us still last longer? Because they need each other. The girl want someone that can spend his forever times for her, so in order to get that, she has to take all the shittyness of his boy. Vise versa. When you are in need, and there is someone who can give you that and this, plus that very person also need something from you. So, whatever happened, you will stuck in that ups and downs relationship.
If and only if you have high self centric, can survive alone, then you can bid goodbye to this kind of relationship


1 thing to be reminded, this kind of relationship offers more ups and downs, hey that is why we call them dynamic, irregular and moving.
Up dynamic relationship (positive vibe) --> when both of you really in need, of each other, then everything she/he offers, eventually received and you will give up everything for that. That is positive because of you are in need.
Meanwhile downs dynamic (negative) is when either one of you or neither, demand nothing. Which is harm if it happens for quite a long time, because you will have this cognitive feeling of not wanting, which everyone knew if it happens for a quite long time, you will lose feeling, either love or tender feeling over your partner.


For me, I always find this kind of relationship is challenging and out of my conformity. In any relationship, I am the one who always be the giver. And that is my comfort zone. Thus, everytime I have to be the taker, real awkwardness will happen. I may perceive it quite diferrent way and sometimes annoying. But if diferrnt gender relationship, I can act well. But in 1 gender relationship, I just cannot.


Irregular, moving, non-comformity, relationship.

Optional

Just so you know, as you thought that informing me also a non important matter. Now Ive made my mind clear. Us also non-important, currently for me.

Leadership in your ass

Ive learnt the hardway to accept people's leadership.
Ive been working with 2 senior managers and 3 executive managers entitled engineers simultinously. And guess what, experiences do teach them good way of leading us, newbie in this industry.
But you Sir, I tried to ignore those rubbish talks about your working style, and I seriously took it as a challenge for me.
You gave me task after task without realising I am attach to other project.
And you expect me to handle everything and expect me to meet all those superiors. Ive been here long enough to know the office politics here. And yes, you mister, you dont want me to go to management and complaint your hand over flaw.
Why I accuse your style has flaw?
First, I realise you have been unrealistic and ignorance. For previous visit, my ex-SV gave me 3 weeks buffer time and told me asap as she got the instructions. Tho all processes still under approval. Why? Coz she knows, if she wanted me to learn, she has to teach me from sracth. But you, you ignore the reason I am here to learn. Not to work for you. Thus, you got the task few weeks ago. But you just told me as you got the aproval which is only 1 weeks. And hell, I know the drills. It is not fucking enough Sir. But yes, people said, take the challenge. Then you know how to do the work. So i took it. Tho I already attach to hell of works. Y? Coz I want to show to my ex-sv that Ive a lot from her. There you go Sir, ignorance and unrealistic.

And worst of all. The most important thing. Of all thing. Tht effing signature, that boss already on leave for week! You could just get the signature last week right? Who the hell am I trainee to go there, big boss and ask for their sign. And now. Everythng is fucked up. And excuse me Sir. If you scold me. I know everything to fire you back. Do i care about my gred? NO. That grade means nothing if dont learn how to shield and hold my dignity high. Working life, if you got the experiences, you know people is looking for you, then dont you ever back up and let them win over you as a loser.

Affection needed.

I think the only reason I need my other half is because I need people that can give me quite amount of affection and attention.
But. I am still afraid that if my heart opened for that the one. He doesnt give me enough or should I say enough as I expected.
And even he got all the Mr Right materials. He still cannot satisfies me.

I am a bit choosy. Or not a bit lah. I am choosy. Particular I am.
And nobody can beat Izhar's materials. So I could conclude that I am pretty much lonelier night by night.

My expectation is. Someone who could me the affection I needed only when I in need. I am not 24/7 type of girl. As long as I get 1 sms that knowing you still alive. I think it is okay for me.
Just what I needed. I want the one that could trace my problems even before I tell him. Well. That kid of guy. I must say pretty much exctint or already someone's else someone.

It is okay.
Maybe I should wait a little longer, in fact I wanna spend my lifetime with him. So a little number of years it is okay for me.

With that.

"Love finds a way".

Finish.

Afraid

Current feeling is. Afraid.
As I observe most of my friend is looking for/having relationship. Or at least they know they searching for.
Me? Neither both. The most committed relationship I've been entering is with my friends. My committent to have fun with them. That all.
As far as I have been questioned, I couldnt answer this question.
"describe your Mr Right"
Seriously, I cannot answer it. Or at least I will give general answer. Mr Tolerable.

And now. Looking that my friend is jumping into relationship. Not to forget. The one that jumping out from relationship.
Make me wonders. What the hell Ive been doing all this moment.
I dont think I am doing enough preparation to attract an opposite gender.
My fashion taste is still the same when I reach puberty. I dont do and dont know how to do make up. I have this boyish-talk-style. And not to mention here. Bad bad bad behavior.
The list goes on. But still. All the above. I dont think there will be any male subject will attract to me. As far as I know. All the novel and movie about falling in love at 1st sight for personality is bullshit. It is happening for blind people only.

********

So the question here. Will I change later? Or will I stay the same and found my own kinda guy which I literally cannot describe him?

Truthfully. I am afraid with the answer.


Shit, future scares me alot.

She is one of a kind

I met a stranger.
She is one of a kind.
I could sit with her and talk about life for hours.
Craps, serious matter. All the issues.
No im not fallen, it is mesmerizing me when we are from no relationship.

I think my theory is right.
Someone new, u got no mind set about him/her, so everything u know something new about her is a thrill feeling. U know.
When u jut know a secret. The thrill feeling.

She said " i tell stories. Not secrets"

But. With stories. Come the great great secret behind it right?

One of a kind she is?
Lets just put it as a.
She is my kind. My favourite type of people.

If you have the urge to continue the conversation. I will make 200% effort more than you, dear.
When people said I start leaving. Then think back again. Am I the one start leaving. Or you the one stop responding.

Yes. Because I am the one that always talk and talk. Doesnt mean I am no listener.

Shitness. *end of it


Finish.

House that feels like no home

Im such a spoilt brat. Cant live in a this kind of house.
Noo! Im not.
As matter of fact. I dont give such damn to facilities. Sofa. Tv. Bed or watever shit inside a home suppose to have.
In my own words, home suppose to be a place where i want to be the most after all the shitness ive went through for the day.
But here. No! Hell no!
Even back in utp, i accept it as home.
Why? Bcoz the people inside here
Its just tear my heart apart. When i cant share experience for the day. When i feel rejected. When i feel loneliest in the most of night.
Back in home. Back in UTP
I hve my parents and sisters. And friends.
Whom i could tell anything
Here, being away from them. Just make me missing more.
Shitness in another lonely nite. 😪

My mistakes were made for you

*were

Human cannot run from mistake right? So do I. As humble as I'm entitled as human, accepting all my mistakes as learning period.
I cannot resist myself from doing same old mistake.

Falling in love with ya bestfren.

Ive done before. And what was the consequence, Ive lost him.
Lost him not just as crush, but bestfriend.
Losing crush is just a moving phase in my life. But, losing bestfriend. That is the deepest cut. Ever.
If i could run over the time. How am i wishing to not let this feeling overwhelmed me. And both of us.

If and only I agree that putting label in any relationship u have. Is just a starter damage for disaster, I definetely bot going to agree with that title


Finish. Smile wont ya Aqilah :)

Commitment issue

I always have commitment issue within myself.
I often put something and someone for granted.
Always happend and same ol cycle.
When something i desire is not achieved. Then u will see im putting my ass off working hard for it.
Wait till I get my hands on it. U will notice how I let them slowly moving out from my life. Or maybe letting go. Or pushing them away.

I always find hard to balance my commitment. Toward bestfren and toward friend.
The most scariest thing is. When i get too attached, it is hard for me to turn back and be same ol me.
I mean like. To be too dependent and relying on same person, it is just scares me alot.
That is what I always thought about being committed onto someone.

Even for my family, I always work hard to impress my parents, and how many times it turns out to be a successful mission, count with ya right finger only.
That is how i misserabbly fail when it comes to impressing my parents. That is why. I often stay low. Be a mid achiever, because I dont want my parents to put high expection on me.
The idea of being someone important and expected to achieve something better, scare me like a shit.


See. I dont have battle with any1. I have battle with my ownself. Shit. Im crazy man.


Finish. I think i like the idea of living wolf or lion life

title speaks

I published the title on the twitter, and got this 1 dude mistaken it to be some 18SX-related. Cant say much. That is how life rolls.
When u do something, there will always be 2 things.
1) perception
2) expectation

Eg ; when i did this new blog and put hardness test as a title. Litterally i expecting people to understood with this and that way. And what the perception that people must have when they read mine. So then, there also 2nd medium of people how will be expecting and perceiving.

This two thing i learn in one of my minor subject. And this a little bit change my attitude towards how this life should rolls.

Finish :)